Change doesn’t care if you’re ready..
Excuse me a minute while I pick myself up off the floor! Did I really just write that? I thought that only happened to other people?!
When Biscuit was a baby I would meet Mum’s who said they had a 15-year-old child. Child!? I would think, that’s not a child, it’s a dependent adult! I would foolishly think –
You’re not a Mummy like me, you’re hostage to a 15-year-old who’s kidnapped your life!
I’ve come a long way since then (15 years to be precise!)! And I can assure my 28-year-old self that I am no less a Mummy just because I’m called Mum and don’t have to wipe anyone else’s bum!
Parenting is full of surprises (beginning with the birth), and it’s those unexpected moments that are most deeply imprinted on me. Unexpected tenderness, surprise laughter, fleeting connections with my children in our chaotic schedule. These are the moments that catch me off-guard; full of raw, unqualified emotion which leaves its mark in memories.
If 15 years of parenting has taught me anything it’s this;
Meaning is found in reflection, and moments of significance gain focus with hindsight.
Children change all the time, reshaping like wet clay, but there are moments when the clay hardens and sets; these changes form the new shape of your future together.
Junctions of Motherhood
Change represents the junction points of motherhood; the moments where your journey together will take a new direction. To plot this journey of change I map backwards; retracing my steps to a certain junction and reflecting on its significance.
Some time ago I missed a junction; the last time I carried my boy in my arms. Like the many actions of parenting I did this without thinking; holding him tight, straining with the weight of him, never realising that this was the last time I would carry him. The change in his size reached a tipping point when pitted again my strength, and suddenly Dad carried him or he had to walk.
It’s a practical progression, but when I reflect on it I see it’s significance; one phase of motherhood has drawn to a close.
Would it have made a difference if I had seen these junctions approaching? Probably, by bringing my awareness to the small moments of everyday parenting, and cherishing their fleeting nature knowing they wouldn’t last.
So here are my 15 junctions of motherhood.
- The day toys were off the birthday list
I never thought I’d hear this sentence leave my sons lips, but as Biscuit’s 11th birthday approached he declared ‘I’m too old for toys’! If I had known this one was coming I’d have paid more attention to the last toy I ever bought him!
- The last kiss in public
If you’re anything like me you’ll love that little hug and kiss goodbye at school each morning. There are warning signs with this one, kissing begins to be scaled back; removed from the classroom goodbyes get briefer and briefer until suddenly its a; ‘See ya later’ over the shoulder as they stroll off with their mates. You can expect this one to start anywhere between 5 and 9 years old.
- The day an Ikea meatball record was broken
One of our family traditions is to visit Ikea once a year, spend huge $ on home-improvement projects, stock up on enough tea-lights to live in a cave for the next ten years going home stuffed with meatballs and chips! There is a certain amount of kudos according to how many meatballs one can consume, and we each have a ranking. This week saw an shock win in this annual tradition, Biscuit stole the title of Champion Meatball Eater from his Dad, eating a massive 23! Look out for this one at around 15 years old (and carry a vomit bag with you)!
- The day he washed and dried his own clothes
This is one that you need to nurture; since he was 10 years old I have shown Biscuit how to work the washing machine, at first he just packed it then slowly progressed to adding detergent and setting it. But it was still a wonder and a marvel to come home and find that not only had he sorted his school uniform out, he had washed it, dried it and had even thrown a few of my lights in for good measure! You can expect to see this from 10-14 years.
- The day I relied on him to cook for the family
A bit like the washing machine, I suggest you encourage cooking skills to develop early, and build to independence with small steps. On this occasion it was a stressful night, with Dad home late from work and me dashing off to soccer training with his brother. Someone had to feed the family, and that someone was Biscuit! Read the soul-searching this junction prompted here in Mother’s Contradiction; Nurturing Independence In Teens .
- The nightmare that didn’t wake me
‘I had a bad dream last night.’ This matter-of-fact statement bellied a significant milestone; my boy had soothed himself back to sleep after a bad dream, and didn’t need reassurance from Mum. Teaching strategies for self-soothing after nightmares are essential foundations to achieve this one, but it happened for us about 10 years old.
- The day that briefs were outlawed
My boys wore briefs without question until a couple of years ago, when they were outlawed overnight! A reward went out to anyone who gave information about their hiding places, existing briefs were rounded up and mercilessly destroyed. Meanwhile their successors, The Boxer Shorts, colonised the underwear draws until total domination was complete! Expect this one from age 9 -12.
- The day the tooth-fairy was fired
After furtive glances between Biscuit and I, (keeping up appearances for his little brother’s sake), he placed the tooth under his pillow and said goodnight. Unfortunately, in the morning the tooth was still there! After one too many glasses of wine the Fairy had forgotten she was on duty! She was promptly fired! Teeth are now bought and sold in cash deals without wands or glitter!
- The day he bankrolled me
Biscuit has an uncanny knack of being the only person in the house with cash! I have a running tally of IOUs to him, which he records in his little back book (luckily he hasn’t thought of applying interest yet!). Look out for an increase in your debts at around age 8!
- The day I came up to his shoulder
It’s very strange hugging your child when they have to bend down to you! Obviously you should see this one coming, but in-case you’re in severe denial, expect it anywhere between 12 – 14 years.
- The last time I put him to bed
If you’re anything like me you might not see this one coming! I take satisfaction in a job well done when I put my boys to bed; tucking them in, knowing their snug and safely deposited for the night with a kiss and a whispered ‘I love you’. It’s a bit like my clocking -off card, my job is done for another day and out comes the wine! But at 14 Biscuit decided that he’d see himself to bed! I didn’t like this one little bit, but you can’t stop the tide of independence, and after much protesting, he gets a kiss goodnight and I stay in the lounge. Expect this one anywhere from 12 -14 years.
- The day his home work became too hard for me
I knew this one was on the cards, math has never been my forte, but now I’m officially redundant from helping with Math homework.
- The last day he was small enough to carry in my arms
As a parent I’ve been concerned with weight and growth since the day they were born, but it never really dawned on me that my baby would literally get to big to carry! I remember gently lifting him out of the car, careful not to wake him, and carrying him to bed, his soft face resting on my neck. This milestone comes with a warning; you never know when Your Strength V His Weight will reach the tipping point, but you’ll find your empty arms will ache with longing the day it does.
- The day he said ‘ Mum’s got PMT, again!’
Grr! Need I say more? The annoying male habit of dismissing a constructive criticism as PMT started at 14 years old! I reminded him that the female of the species is more deadly than the male, and comments like that are likely to prove it!
- The day he locked the bathroom door
Unless we have visitors in the house, bathroom and bedroom doors remain open and unlocked, conversations continue regardless of whether we’re on the toilet or in the bath! So the first time that the bathroom door was shut (and locked) we all knew that a new chapter had begun. Privacy, a need never previously considered, is now a norm.
Change signifies the junctions of motherhood; written into your heart with bitter sweet ink.
About Lisa Kniebe: Lisa is a Mum to a tween and teen boy, a teacher and previous neonatal nurse who is making sense of motherhood through her blog mummy2mum.com. It’s here that she reflects on how to nurture deep and lasting connections with her teenage children, inspires her readers to cherish the fleeting moments of joy in the everyday and synthesises the bittersweet transformation from Mummy to Mum.
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Quote from www.livelifehappy.com
Image by Ayank sourced from Pixabay
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