A 13-year-old Walks Into a Times Square Souvenir Shop…

A 13-year-old Walks Into a Times Square Souvenir Shop…

Shopping in Times Square with a Teen

“Greetings young lady.  Welcome to my fine establishment directly in the middle of the world’s greatest city.  I realize it looks identical to more than 30 other shops you have undoubtedly passed today but my shop is so much different. For you see, I truly have the best prices in all of New York, a fact that I will repeat as I follow you around while screaming into my cell phone in a language I’m certain you have never heard.”When a teen goes shopping in new york

“Is this your Dad with you?  Boss, I noticed you just glanced at that Statue of Liberty paperweight.  That must mean you wish to purchase it, no? How much you want to spend?  They are ten dollars each but today only, I can offer you three for 30.  Think about it boss, you can weigh paper down in multiple rooms in your house if you desire.  Or mix and match.  How about two paperweights and one President Obama bobblehead dolls that says, ‘I love New York’ when you push on his stomach?  These are big sellers, which is why I have at least 60 randomly placed throughout the store. “

“What’s that, Miss? You would like a t-shirt?  I have many.  Like the rest of my store, there is no rhyme or reason to where they are located.  I have some very pretty pink ones suitable for a girl of your age.  You will find them on that rear rack, directly between that one featuring an extended middle finger in the shape of the Empire State building, and that one listing the ‘Top 10 Things New Yorkers Wish They Could Say to Tourists.” If you need a gift for an infant, I have bibs and onesies that say, ‘Sleep? Fuhgeddaboudit.’ You will not find these on Canal Street.”

“Please continue shopping while I take yet another phone call from a relative in a foreign country. Should you have questions, my wife will assist you.  She only speaks two words of English:  ‘Purses?’ and “Watches?’  She will repeat these questions until you purchase one of those particular items. She does not understand the phrase, ‘No thank you.’”

“Okay, I have completed my call.  Boss, can I interest you in a selfie stick?  Here, let me demonstrate one.  Hand me your phone.  iPhone 6, I presume? It would look so nice in one of my phone cases, which you will find over there next to the ‘F—k Boston’ refrigerator magnets.  Simply extend the stick like this and…forgive me but this one appears to be broken.  Let’s try this one.  See?  Only ten dollars.  How about nine? Eight?  How much do you want to pay?  I give you great deal.”

“There is so much more of my store that you have not seen.  Would you like jewelry?  A coffee mug?  A shot glass even though nobody uses shot glasses anymore?  An oversized pencil should you desire to express your thoughts in a form other than texting?  Or perhaps something larger?  Where are you from? Chicago?  That means you must travel, no?  How about a roller board suitcase?  They are over there.  If you wish to purchase the one that my brother is currently sitting on, please tell him to move.”

“It looks like you have found your t-shirt.  That one is 25 dollars.  Unfortunately I cannot offer you a lower price for this particular shirt. But the t-shirts in that pile over there are eight for 12 dollars. I realize that makes no sense whatsoever.  This is why I am in the New York souvenir business.”

“Young lady, I will ring you up behind this glass case.  Yes, the one containing cigarettes, condoms and smoking devices.  See anything else you like? Oh, it appears your father is growing angry with me.  Have a nice day and…

Excuse me, I must take this call.”

Greg SchwemAbout Greg – The Chicago Tribune recently proclaimed Greg Schwem “king of the hill in the growing world of corporate comedy.”  His comedic take on the 21st century workplace and work/life balance has landed him on XM/Sirius Radio, FOX News, Comedy Central and the pages of Parents Magazine. Audiences from companies such as Cisco, Microsoft, IBM, Motorola and McDonald’s have laughed at Greg’s stories about tedious business meetings, Smart Phone addiction, “frequently” asked questions and his fascination with the American Girl Doll company. More than just a business comedian and professional emcee, Greg is also a nationally syndicated humor columnist for Tribune Content Agency. In 2014 Greg was recognized by his peers at the National Society of Newspaper Columnists for outstanding humor writing.  The Road to Success Goes Through the Salad Bar:  A Pile of BS (Business Stories) From a Corporate Comedian is Greg’s most recent book, coming on the heels of his first book, Text Me If You’re Breathing:  Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low-Tech Dad. You can follow Greg here – WebsiteYouTubeTwitterFacebook



Guest Post

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.