If you give a tween some eggs and toast for breakfast, she’ll see that the bananas are starting to turn brown and she’ll ask you to make some banana bread.
So you will.
Asking for a cookbook will get her in the mood to read a real book, so she’ll ask you to take her to the library.
On the way to the library the tween will see the soccer field and want to play soccer, so she’ll ask you to go back home to get her ball so she can play.
Once you get home she’ll ask you where her tennis shoes are and that will remind her that her favorite shorts are dirty and she’ll ask you when you’re going to do more laundry.
Once you put a load of laundry in, she’ll remember how much she wants to play soccer and she’ll get impatient, so she’ll get sassy and need to sit in her room.
Sitting in her room will prompt her to apologize and you’ll take her to play soccer.
Playing soccer will make her hot and sweaty so she’ll want a popsicle.
She’ll ask you for a homemade popsicle and forget that she just ate the last one the day before.
She’ll wonder why you haven’t taken the time to make more.
When you explain to her that it’s because you are busy, she’ll ask if you are going to volunteer at the school next week because you said you would try.
She’ll ask “are you?” “why don’t you know now?” “When will you know for sure?” “You said you would try!”
All of that asking will make her hungry and she’ll realize that she wants food so she’ll ask you “what’s for dinner?”
You’ll say spaghetti and meatballs and she’ll get excited but you remind her that dinner isn’t for two more hours.
Knowing that dinner is two hours away, she’ll ask you for a snack.
She’ll go to the fridge for a piece of fruit.
She’ll get upset because all that’s left are oranges…and she didn’t want oranges, so she’ll ask “when are you going to buy more fruit? all we have are oranges UGH.”
You’ll tell her to go outside and play.
She will need to put shoes on for that.
This will remind her that she needs new flip-flops because she can only find one and still can’t find her tennis shoes.
You will agree to buy her new flip-flops because…spring.
If you buy her new flip-flops, chances are she’ll want a new bathing suit to go with them so she’ll log onto Justice.com to find a matching $40.00 swimsuit, brightly colored like the oranges she didn’t want to eat.
She’ll get excited and started adding multiple things to her “shopping cart.”
She’ll convince herself that she needs them and will do her best to convince of you the same.
Seeing her shopping cart total will give you a mild heart attack, and the onsets of a crippling migraine and remind you that you haven’t bought anything new for yourself in over a year, so you’ll go get some whiskey because …duh.
Seeing your reaction to this online shopping, your tween will agree to “remove a few things” because $204.00 is better than $240.00.
This will prompt you to turn off the computer and start yet another discussion with your tween about gratitude, entitlement and appreciation…
Having this conversation will be exhausting, so you’ll make the executive decision for more whiskey.