Ever since the first cavewoman screeched at the sight of a pink-berry stained grinding quern, big industry has targeted insecure women with the promise of material indulgence. In the days when girls saw themselves doing little other than getting married, maintaining a beautiful appearance was crucial.
I find that the minimum amount of beauty products needed by your average woman has skyrocketed in the last fifty years. Women spend far more on these products, but the playing field is so high, to begin with, their efforts may have little avail. Why do women wear high heels? To look taller and more superior? Well, if every woman feels the compulsion to wear heels, isn’t everyone that little bit taller, creating even more competition, simply on a higher level?
In this modern world, when products can be brought in from abroad, money is no object, and kids feel they have been hard-done-by in not having everything they want, how will we cope with it all? There are some crazy problem-solvers targeted at women, which I will delve further into.
(1). Rent Luxury Nail Polish
Lacquerous.com is a new US service that allows members to RENT (yes, rent) luxury nail polishes. For $18.00 per month (E13), one may borrow three bottles of “luxury nail polish”. You must return them by the end of the month, and may only apply three applications (I imagine desperate-for-work scientists taking syringes and measuring the amount down to the milliliter), which is checked upon return.
But why? Can’t people just buy their own? It turns out that these bottles are around $20 each in-store, and some may even reach $50 in Ireland, where US luxury products are more precious than your left leg, or so it may seem. So you can save money by using this service. Unless of course you *desperately* need a certain shade of nail varnish and the last member’s kid broke it. Oh well.
A scientist has said that the chemicals within nail varnish prevent the growth of fungi or disease, meaning psychos can’t sneeze into the bottle before sending it to you. This is why my Mother never lets me buy stuff online. I have enough olds without rubbing psycho sneeze on my hands.
Family members reading will know that I was once a serious nail-art nut, and own several bottles of crusty nail polish, along with some good ones. As I was far too stingy to buy luxury, I would go to the village chemist during sales and pick up three bottles of essence nail varnish (German brand) for one euro. Last of the small spenders, methinks.
(2). BIC for her
This is worse than the Irish Independent’s “Woman” segment. I love going onto their website to see all of the big, serious, manly headings such as “politics”, “news”, “culture”, “sport” and then feeling a wave of reassurance that there is a segment designed just for me, to keep my mind free of scary political news and other issues not directly relevant to my appearance.
I expect all the women-journalists who think they will still be in the workforce come 10 years can discuss cleaning techniques in a non-judgemental atmosphere away from all the boring-old politics journalists. Oh, women.
Well, BIC comes to a conclusion. Women should be using pens, rather than dictating their essays and having professional scribes pen them. Girls will no longer rely on boys to sit their exams for them. No, sir. All those loose-cannoning, college-educating cat-ladies can now click pens in a manly fashion to their heart’s content. And they come in such pretty colors!
Why do we need separate pens for women? Call me unladylike, but I prefer cheap pens. I can scribble out my 10-page essays quicker this way. It always makes my classmates cry when I raise my hand to ask for more paper. Perhaps a thinner pen will prevent me from outdoing the male classmates and reducing them to whatever the manly substitute for tears is.
(3). Why are women’s razors/socks so much dearer than men?
I have a confession to make. If my minuscule size 36 feet (US5) feet were big enough, I would just buy men’s socks. How much do men’s PAC-man socks cost? 1 or 2 quid. How much do women’s PAC-man socks cost? 7 freaking 50. Why does the village shop put women’s razors on the same aisle as all the other toiletries (plus shocking horror-boxes), but puts men’s razors behind the counter?
I guess Mammies would come into the shop and complain that her 34-year-old son bought razors without her knowledge and attempted to shave without assistance. May his blood be forever on the Grimey door handles of the village shop. Or maybe because, if you are in a rush, or the line at that till is too long, you will just pick up women’s razors which are more than twice the price. Why?
I guess women are obliged to shave. If you don’t, you may be accused of lesbianism, and your Father will beat you for fear this will warrant a rise in your dowry. Women will spend any amount if it means avoiding this. Men, on the other hand, see shaving as a cool, manly thing to do on a daily basis. Therefore, it is a life essential and dirt-cheap.
(4). I won’t even mention the “Vajazzle” craze my peers are on about. Why is your right mind would you want to do this?